Hating One's Self/ The Real Me

God, I hate myself sometimes.

Simply put I am a sub standard version of the person I desire to be, but I do not pursue or alter my behavior in any way to make myself better.
I swear too much, over the pettiest things, I get so raw with my emotions and so frustrated within myself that it burns. I lose control, I get scared and panic fills me. I count in my head and hold my breath...

                Then in an instant I am a calm ocean after the devastating storm, settled, predictable. I hate my split personalities - the two personas constantly fighting to be the victim of the standards set way too high of my conscience.

I hate how I allow myself to be vulnerable; be that vulnerable to daydreaming about the things that cannot be, or the things that once were that will never return
I hate myself so much that I almost don't care if I hurt myself, the seeming arrogance seen on the outside is just a way to inflate my ego so someone can bring me crashing down to reality.
I wish that I could accept who I was at heart and allow myself to just erase all the opinions and statements people make about me. Because I may seem like a loud, extroverted person, oozing confidence.

But the real me is shy, daydreaming in the corner, keeping to themselves with a tiny smile. He is loving, compassionate, honest and kind and he would never do you any harm.
The problem is that he hasn't met anyone for what feels like a lifetime.

Letting another person in deep enough to see who I really am; beyond how messed up everything else is from my messed up past to the certainty of my messed up future, is a scary thought. But given the chance, the real me would take over and my split personalities would stop being bruised by my impossible-to-please conscience and make way for the real me.

I can make you happy, I can make anyone feel like they are the only person in the world that matters.
If you ever meet the real me, the chances are that I have already begun falling for you and all the amazing things you have

So when you meet the real me and I do fall, please, please catch me