Content

I lay awake staring into the darkness as endless thoughts of the future radiate from my imagination.
Thoughts such as becoming a famous musician, sharing a part of my very soul that just cannot be expressed in words to thousands and thousands of other people.
Thoughts of becoming a world-class athlete, who with one strike of the ball can wow millions of spectators worldwide in an never-ending pursuit of glory and perfection.

But the scenario I imagine that appeals to me the most is becoming the person I am destined to be, who shares their life with the person of their dreams, where the two of us walk into a small, comforting home that we have made together, with everything we need and all I could possibly desire right in front of me.
I may never have thousands say my name across the world, but hearing you say my name as I hold you as close to my heart as I possibly can means more than the rest of the world put together, and I am more than content with that

Sledgehammer

Desiring you is such a dangerous thing for my already delicate heart.
But in an instant I go from a quiet content, an inner peace with the patience I must keep; to feeling the explosion of a fragile, fine, glass vase under the weight and force of a sledgehammer.

My ideas and beliefs on myself scattered in infinite directions - some a faint arrogance in the belief that I can run to bigger and better things. Other thoughts welcome the suffering I will endure in the wake of the fact that you and I will never be.

I can try drown myself in music, writing songs that might one day catch your ear. I could draw, paint or sculpt objects of infinite beauty to erase your incredible smile that inspires fireworks to explode in my chest each instant I bear witness to it. Even conquering the world is possible with all the sleepless nights that are sure to follow

But nothing can be poured into the void left by the sledgehammer to lighten your absence. Nothing except the touch of your soft, winter lips on mine; where they belong

Now do I realise

Only now have I realised that I no longer care if the things I say are right or wrong; only that they are the truth.

In my isolation from the comfortable world I have known, I've reconnected with the spirit laying inside me that I've battered and hurt in bouts of self-deprecation, bottomless bottles of false empty promises and believing the evil little voice that is so believable when times turn doubtful or bleak.

"He always knows what to say, how to kick my spirit while it lays defeated on the ground. Words like trust and calm are replaced by doubt and panic, the blue calm overpowered by red and green, anger and envy so powerful that he takes over from the inside out"

But now I've reconnected with that battered corner of myself I have driven him away. I have healed like the transformation of a ship being terrorised in the eye of a storm into water as smooth as glass.

Now do I realise that with the evil me driven away from inside, all the thoughts of self-hat have vanished, and have been replaced by thoughts of only love for myself, for others, for the entire world.

"Now my mind is clear, and my physical self is ready and able, I wish to bridge the gap between my physical and metaphysical self and explore unity across all planes. I journey into the unknown, looking for something which takes a form I do not know, but will recognise instantly when I encounter it. Along this journey I will pick up broken pieces of myself and venture forward, awaiting completion."

And when I complete my inner voyage, I will wait for you. I will wait hours, weeks on end in silence, ever present.
I will wait because you are the last piece I need to mend this broken spirit

The Puzzle Theory

I believe the human brain will always remain a dead spot in anatomical knowledge; not because of the amount of funding of the amount of research, but because the mind of each individual is different - all of our minds will remain a puzzle to even ourselves

Lets think about it; we are born and all the pieces are there - our physical bodies, our muscles and blood and bones, like the pieces of a puzzle that will take our lifetime to assemble. As we move through life we are dealt factors that we have no control over; our name, our family, the colour of our eyes - and thus the border of the puzzle is complete, all that's left is to fill the inside with all of the pieces we were given

Some like to find there own way of completing the puzzle, independent from spiritual beliefs or governing enforcements. Others look to a divine force to assist in completing the puzzle through God and religion. The people we meet and the places we see, the music we hear and the food we taste all help us build the puzzle, some parts join easily, others are forcibly connected. Some pieces don't connect at all

We can even find ourselves accompanied by someone else, and our pieces of the puzzle are identical in places, yet different in others; we can help them build their puzzle, or they can help us build ours. The point is, even the most simplistic, instinctive things such as love, emotion, disease and even existence itself are a puzzle.
"Why would I feel this way when I am so uncertain?"
"How am I so confused when the answer is so clear?"
"Why is this person suffering?"
"What is my purpose in this life?"

Most people spend their whole life trying to complete their puzzle but never succeed:
Some are taken too early, like a flower ripped from the ground before it could blossom
Others have a puzzle too big to complete, no matter the countless sleepless nights or hours of pondering that might lead them along the most productive and correct path
In fact some spend so long trying to help others complete their puzzle and forget about the one they are trying to construct themselves - leaving it dusty, faded and bare in a forgotten corner

But for the ones that do complete the puzzle; the very, very  few and far, far between;  I believe that even they do not know how they did it. For although we all start out as the same pile of pieces, we can end up as very different works of art. The beauty of life is that it will forever remain a puzzle:
All will attempt it, few will complete it.
The reason why remains, well, a puzzle

Reconstruction

Home.
I have returned.
To a place I belong, yet am somewhat unable to truly fit in, due to the things that differ from the life I lead; such as where the cups go in the kitchen cupboards, what night the rubbish gets taken away and the presence of family at any hour of the day

Returning to the job as a casual to fill in time, gain some perspective, earn some money and to motivate your desires, your ambitions and your dreams

Returning to old friends, remembering the reasons why we love them, how we fell in love with them and the activities used to pass the time, express yourself with each other and to smile, for despite the differences, despite the change, true friends will always be like a house under renovation; different in a familiar and predictable way, a change welcome to most, unwelcome to few.

But I have also returned to surprises, surprises for myself, for others, and in the most unlikely places of all, a glimmer of hope that my destiny can be shaped by the entrance of another significant figure in my life. Fear, vulnerability and of course the potential for pain lay awaiting your every move.

I have returned as a man able to shape my own destiny, my own fate.
If I am to follow a happy and joyful path, My spirit and I need to step back and view the outcomes; the destination of happiness requires a path to be built that I have never trod before. Now as I lie awake, thinking of you, I demolish my previous paths in my mind, reconstructing them in the hope you might like to join me just for a while in my pursuit of happiness

Giving In

Defeat - a word that sits bittersweet in the mouth.

Bitter because it hurts to know the outcome that you believe is the right one doesn't work out

"What can you change? Sometimes the cards dealt are in your favour, sometimes they are not."

Sweet, because the suffering you put yourself through can begin, but also eventually end. But filling the void that defeat leaves isn't easy. Substances diffuse out, burning the void deeper and deeper.

Staying happy and positive is a challenge, but manageable at first. 

Slowly and slowly, hand after hand, cards stop falling your way. 

The loved ones we miss fade away, their memories growing thinner and thinner, more transparent.

People we need to support us buckle, unknowingly how much their support means to you

Your happiness becomes a pursuit that fades into a limp, the tough, happy, upbeat exterior seems superficial and pointless. Slowly, your laugh gets quieter and quieter, the glow of your spirit grows dimmer and dimmer still. 

Defeat slowly chips away from your spirit and becomes a force that is eventually unstoppable. Knocking you off your feet and pushing you towards the gaping hole in your spirit you've tried to fill. Fighting, but like all unstoppable forces, you are powerless to resist as you face the edge of the void you created.

Finally, the instant before the final surge against you hits, you give up.

You fall, letting your own darkness consume you

Sleepless Night

Sometimes a sleepless night can seem to never end. The infinite amount of thoughts free in your head, roaming left and right to drag your attention away from sleep begin to burn questions into your mind, fears into your being, coldness into the very core of spirit.

"What have I done that was wrong?"

The days event's mulled over and over in your mind, like reruns of a terrible film you are forced to watch unfold over and over and over until your stomach feels so heavy and dense you know the urge to be sick approaches

"Have I said something again?"

You trace the words you said over and over, remembering each facial expression your words caused, the frowns, the wry smiles. Baffled you lie - there were no awkward silences, no offensive statements that escaped your lips today.

"What is wrong with me?"

You say that as a statement more so than a question. You know all the things that are wrong with you. Your imperfections, your twisted sense of humour, your arrogance, the list is endless. But you hid all of these things today. You were PERFECT. Not a single part of the persona you displayed today was wrong.

"Did I do anything right?"

Now you frantically search for any sign that you have a chance, a shot, a magic bullet that might possibly convince another chance. Redemption. One last opportunity to convince everyone you interacted with today that you are a good person.

"Good person. I may be a good person, but I'm not a good enough person. Knowing that makes the wish for sleep a light in the distance. An illusive beacon on the horizon"

By this point of the night, (as ever insomniac knows) if you find relief in sleep, then you will wish to never wake again